Happy New Year, you slags!

No really, I mean it.
xx

I really like Windows Vista.

Call me a cunt, but I do. The games I want to play work better in Vista than they did in XP, and it hasn't yet caused me any problems. Also, it's the first operating system I've ever legally owned! How speshul is that? I'm not sure it's that exciting in itself, but I suppose it does look a bit more mature than XP also. Prick. Sorry. I'm on the rum.

An Essay on the Female of the Species.

Girls. What the fuck? As I grow old, and unavoidably encounter the occasional Miss, a number of questions begin to form in my mind. I mean, I like girls. I understand and fully appreciate their function. I enjoy in moderation the simple joy they can take in a conversation. I find amusement in their most excellent impressions of the rear-end. But many aspects still puzzle the tits off me. No pun intended. Recently I have come to wonder, in this great world of ours, what other manner of creature can there possibly be who is scared of its own plates of meat? How far can something get when it can tolerate neither the idea nor the touching of, arguably, its most important appendage? That which to survive independently it must use on a daily basis? I feel I may be slightly more toward a person feeling self-conscious about, perhaps, an abnormality or irregular feature peculiar to a small group. But I'm talking about something that almost every single person that has ever existed in the world has, at least at some point in their lives, possessed. I dare say I've never seen a bosom in which I did not take pleasure in the viewing, but a lass being shy of these I can at least see some reasoning behind. They are after all (almost) exclusive to women, and what with social conditioning it's no wonder it's so rare to come across a person content with the physical form they inhabit. But feet are just feet, surely?

The physical form they inhabit. How many tears have been shed on this thorny issue? And if we include those of the ladies they must surely be beyond count. Such a massive proportion of the blame is so obviously attributable once again to modern culture, its media and its Photoshopped perceptions of beauty and perfection. I don't think it's even worth starting down that road, for the sake of writing a piece that somebody might finish reading. That does of course assume anybody will start to read any of this. But in a few years at least I'll have something to publish. Every other cunt with web log seems to be bloody publishing theirs. Though it does seem beneficial to orientate the writing firmly around the subject of men. I'll have a think and try later. Anyway, I digress. Ever so slightly. Er... Oh yes! How many fruitless hours have I spent in the reassurance of birds that their apearance is indeed pleasant, and that nobody is actually going to judge them for leaving the house without having been pre-edited for the cover of Cosmopolitan? How many healthy women are currently tormenting themselves with the idea of being "on a diet"? Does this not surely suck so much enjoyment from daily life? Even those not denying themselves food seem to be largely convinced that they themselves are fatter than everybody else. It really does make me sad. For my mental stability if not theirs. And have you noticed that these chicks and even those who could not possibly be any more skinny, the sort that hurt to look at them, are still unhappy with their breasts? They seem to have achieved the kind of muscular wastage dreamt of across the land, and yet they want a fatter chest.

I feel frustration growing. I feel your attention waning. I feel I must apologise for the lack of unnecessary expletives in this post. I leave thee now with one final thought on this poignant topic. Eyebrows. They grow above the eye. Hence the name. They do not, I am quite conviced, fulfill their purpose when drawn onto the forehead in pencil. Few things upset me more.

I'll try to stop thinking for next time and write you a nice sweary bit without all the questions. You didn't have to answer these ones, but I know how they put some of you on edge.

Goodnight, sexy. xxx

P.S. Do please let me know if you have ever encountered a member of the fairer sex who is either comfortable with having feet, sad to not have them, happy in her body or eats properly. Like a person. Actual meals. Whole meals. What's wrong with mushrooms? I like fish!

http://www.monkeyfluids.com/

Fuck off!

No way was that ever fifteen minutes! As of now, and probably for some time before, it seems that entering rude words into a search engine no longer brings up this site. Or at least, it's not at the top any more. Fear not, my pets. 'Tis but a delay. I will merely find another route to the top.

http://www.altavista.com/web/results?itag=ody&q=cunt+twat+fuckwhore&kgs=0&kls=0

I'm out there! This is only the beginning!

My life is complete.

Well, a little bit more than it was, anyway. For today, my friends, I made my best poached eggs ever. And that includes the ones in those plastic cups. Actually those don't even count. They're never any good.

They did stick ever so slightly, string a small amount and the yolk was harder than I wanted it. But not solid. Also I broke one. I was cooking on a slanty cooker though. I'm really fucking amazed at my achievement. There's room for improvement, but this is the first time I've actually made something that looks like poached eggs.

Also, I was good at pool last night. Well, passable. I've no idea when that came about. I wish I'd known, I might not have left it so many years before I tried again!

Also also, you cunts aren't telling me when I make mistakes. Last night I found an exclamation mark without a space after it. I mean come on, man! What the fuck? Help me out here! Bollocks to two spaces though. I'm not pissing about with that shit. I haven't got all day!

There was something else, but I've forgotten.

Soz ard.

Once more unto the breeches

Yes, I'm fucking back! With a small amount of provocation I was provoked into working out a way to sign in again. I dunno what these cunts did, but they took my name away! Slags! I'm off now. Some of us have lives to lead! I, however, am going to the pub.

Apologies for the previous photo.

Still love you. Only I could.

xx

This Winter

I have caught a cold. I really wish snot didn't come out wet and dry hard. It just means I've got wet pockets and a scratched nose. You know how fucking delicate I am. Oh! The Agony!

x

His fucking head's fallen off!

But he still thinks you're a twat!

His misfortune betrays my construction methods though. I had to cut his head in half to lift it up! Being alone, (but not single - sorry ladies) as I currently am, I had no help, you see. I couldn't roll the body any bigger, neither. Snow gets really heavy when it gangs up. I finally understand how people die in avalanches. The eagle-eyed amongst you may notice another unfotunate accident to befall Monsieur Snow. There I go again. Soz.

I'll do it here though.

"Cheers cunt", I wittily retorted. Well, what else is there?

An Idiot and a Moron

I bet you thought I'd left you. Well I haven't. I almost wrote a couple of days ago, in fact. But it took our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ (see below) to bring me fully back.

To this end, I offereth unto thee a transciption of the conversation I was smited with on my walk home from the tram station, after I had been at work for 9 1/2 hours (more on that later). It seems, witnessing the decline in church attendance of recent years, the dark streets of Wolverhampton have found themselves the subject of a bit of a recruitment drive by the aforementioned nuts.

Enter Old Woman, Myself (moving to walk around OW as she crosses my path).

Old Woman: "Excuse me, can you tell me where the Catholic church is?"

Not being convinced she was truly looking for it, and not wishing to enter into a conversation on my religious tendencies with a woman wearing a placard of Jesus' face, I replied politely, but not apologetically.

Myself (still walking): "I couldn't say I can."

Sensing, somehow, that I did not know where the church was, and perhaps also that I wasn't particularly interested in finding out, she informed me of her disappointment.

Mad Woman: "Then you're an idiot and a moron! You don't even know where the Catholic church is and you live here! Idiot!"

Not wishing to appear to keen by displaying my surging enthusiasm, I did answer her criticism, but I'm ashamed to say I did so by thanking her and voicing an opinion on her own character, using possibly less than savoury words, which for the purposes of being taken seriously I shall not repeat here.

Having said this, I do respect that woman. I wouldn't walk around Wolverhampton in the dark shouting things like that at men twice my size.

x

Witness, right, a 2-hour, one-man snowie formed dans le jardin by moi last Thursday. I know you can't see it, but my gesture is merely mimicking that of the Homme de Neige. Pardon my French, I don't know what's happening to me. Carpe Diem, as non-members say.